What? Were you expecting a .GIF up there like you always do when you read my blogs? Tough titties, chief. I'm breaking my tradition of .GIF intros this time. Why? Cause Gliscor don't need no fancy ass .GIF for a motherfucking intro! I'm gonna tell you why Gliscor is CLEARLY the best Pokemon ever!

1. He gives no fucks.
Just LOOK AT HIM! Does he look like he gives a fuck? The answer to that riddle....is no. Oh yeah, he's flipping you off.


2. He's a flying scorpion. Flying scorpions are cool as fuck.
A bug with balls on its forehead? LAME. Gliscor has two big ass pincers that will chop your damn balls off! He can fly at night and fuck up anyone who is unlucky enough to bump into this badass. Did I forget to mention he's metal as fuck too?


3. He's a Ground/Flying type. Wait...how is that even possible?
Bug/Grass? More like Yuk/Ass. Sewaddle gets boned from so many weaknesses because it's a little bitch. Gliscor's typing makes him nearly indestructible. What's that? You're gonna use electric moves? No effect DUMBASS. Gliscor's only major weakness is ice; but let's face it, you won't use an ice type Pokemon because those are for pussies.


4. He's the best actor in Pokemon, PERIOD.
Just look at his Oscar winning performance you Bidoof.


5. He has the biggest penis in the Pokemon Animal Kingdom.
You read that correctly. That ain't no tail, that's his dick. His schlong can sting people, can hang from trees, can bounce on it, and he can even SIT ON IT. Can you sit or bounce on your baloney pony? I didn't think so. Sewaddle's deep-v diver pales in comparison to Gliscor's ramburglar (yep, I just used five different names for penis; bitches like different names for penis). What's that? You want proof that he can stand on his Bob Dole (make it six)? Here's your proof:


So as you can see, according to my scholarly research, the evidence here proves that Gliscor is CLEARLY better than Sewaddle--or any Pokemon for that matter!

"Well holy fuckballs Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon! Is there any other Pokemon that comes close to Gliscor?!"

Unfortunately my dear reader, there is. The only Pokemon that could possibly give this badass a run for his money is...............................................




See ya Space Cowboy.

Well, if you haven't seen the comment I made on Andy's blogger's response call, allow me to refresh your memory:


I'll get to the Penn and Teller part later.

Anyway, is this entire "issue" (yeah I put quotations on that; bitches like quotations) even relevant to our everyday lives? I'm a big picture guy, and "issues" like these do nothing but detract us from the real issues that are happening in the gaming industry--let alone the world! What makes this even more ridiculous is that when Bioshock came out six years ago, no one cared about it's violent content AT ALL. It received nothing but praise worldwide. But because of recent incidents and the media's overblown coverage of it, many people are considering the question, "Are video game become to violent?" an "issue". I'm a journalist and even I will call the media out on this bullshit. Yeah, it's that sad. So is there really anything to fear from this "issue"?

HELL NO. The only issue this "issue" brings up for us is whether or not we will buy a particular game because of it's content; in this case, gore or candy canes. But it doesn't really matter, because we are all unique individuals with different tastes. I'm not too big on blood and gore, but that doesn't mean I'm going to complain about it or judge someone because of their preference. I fucking LOVE subjectivity; I'm a writer for crying out loud! So I embrace different opinions and new ideas with a passion.



But when it comes to "issues" like these, you know, the ones that have been discussed to death about and carry no weight to them, I just don't want to hear it. In other words, shut up and by the game or just walk away. It's that simple. Don't you hate it when you're looking at a game you're thinking about buying, and some random person scolds you for it? This brings me to my next point:

Oh wait, there isn't one. Why? Because I won't even bother explaining about how there is no correlation between violence and video games. But if your curiosity is tickled that much, I'll embed a great episode from Penn & Teller's show, "Bullshit", that explains it better than anyone else can. Sorry Jim Sterling, but these guys can do magic man. Fucking MAGIC!



I honestly hope that episode didn't surprise you. Sure the video is totally dated (2006 I think?), but the argument against anti-violent video games is timeless. I mean, my younger plays Black Ops 2 more than a #Swag #YOLO #CaliSmoke #IHaveABigDick dude-bro, but that doesn't mean he's going to grow up and become a murderer. The same argument goes for the other end of the spectrum. I play lots of JRPG's, fighting games, and I watch an occasional anime once every blue moon; but that doesn't mean I'm a salty basement dwelling weeabo (or however you spell that). Fallacies such as False Cause and Slippery Slope unfortunately exist in the media thanks to incompetent editors and media figures. And as a result, "issues" such as video games being too "violent" pop up like like herpes all over the internet (bitches don't like herpes).

My point is this: We're all adults here (except for the Blu-Cigs guy), so just shut up and buy the damn game or not.

So can we all get back to typing C-Blogs about awesome things please? I'd much rather read about why Gliscor has the biggest and strongest penis in the Pokemon Animal Kingdom, or why Bomberman Fantasy Race is like, the best racing game EVER!

See ya Space Cowboy.

32G OF PROOOOOOOOOTEIN!

DOWNVOTE ME AND I'LL SUPER COOKIE

CRUNCH YOUR FACE!

Mystical. It is the only word I can use to describe the euphoria I felt on Saturday March 2, 2013 at 6:29 p.m. CST. Why?

Because at that specific moment in time, I finally beat Final Fantasy VII . . . after 15 years. You read that correctly my fellow readers. Fifteen years.

"Well Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket!", you exclaim in front of your device.
"Why (or how) the hell did it take that long to finish that game?! I know it takes like 60+ hours to completely beat it and all . . . but damn!", you ponder.

Well, it's time to gather around the campfire yet again folks, because uncle Hyper Lemon Buster Cannon's got a story to tell.

And so my tale of rediscovering the one game that got away from me ages ago, The Great White Buffalo, begins.


Fifteen years ago I was a bright-eyed 7 year old boy. The world was my oyster. Everything was beautiful and fascinating as I blissfully approached anything I found interesting with curiosity and fearlessness. I loved video games very much then. They provided me a place where I could let my imagination run wild and explore other worlds I couldn’t begin to fathom. My head was always in the clouds back then; being blissfully unaware of the world and its harsh reality around me. It goes without saying that video games and books were a godsend for me. School was very rough. I didn’t have any friends or acquaintances that saw the world the same way I did. They thought I was weird and strange, so I was kind of an outcast. But I was okay with that! As long as I had something to escape to at home, I was happy.

So video games were my saving grace. It reminded me that there were still people out there in the world that had their heads in the clouds like I did. They weren’t afraid to express their imagination. Man, the games developers came up with in 90’s . . . it was incredible! But nothing prepared me for the day I stumbled upon the first game that ever engrossed me: Final Fantasy VII.
I found it lying on the floor in my room. And to this day, I will never know how it got there. My older brother wasn’t into video games like myself, so it couldn’t have been his. It almost seemed as if fate had placed it there for some reason. Needless to say, the cover was calling to me.


The whitewash. The giant building (“Was that a robot?!” I thought then). The mysterious blonde with the ludicrously sized sword. It was all fascinating! It brought an air of endlessness and suspense. The cover spoke to the adventurer deep within my soul. It called out to my imagination. Oh, the excitement I felt! It was just wonderful, it really was. And so I opened the case and read through the manual like a religious zealot. The cover gave me so many unanswered questions:
“Who is that blonde figure? What is its story? What does ‘RPG’ mean?”
The manual made no sense to me. I couldn’t grasp what it was trying to say. So I decided to play the game itself to see what was in store. I had no idea I was in for such a treat.

The cinematic intro put me in complete astonishment. The stars in the night sky shined so bright as in real life. The woman in red was mysterious, yet beautiful. The city was fascinating, yet somewhat depressing. But what hit me the most was the music. I never heard such a melody before. It made me feel as if time was perfectly still . . . until the train sequence comes along. A sense of urgency and importance washed over me as I saw the mysterious blonde (boy?) at the train station. And then my first battle happened. I never played an RPG before, so it was an entirely new experience. It was the first game I ever played that involved real strategy. I actually had to use my head and think?! This mechanic was right down my alley. I felt unstoppable as I decimated the futile soldiers in my path towards the train. The whole experience was intoxicating for my young mind then. Oh yeah, I didn’t have a memory card at the time, so I kept replaying the prologue over and over again. I knew Guard Scorpion like the back of my hand.


It was also the first game I played that gave you the freedom to name your characters. As cool as I thought that was however, I decided to keep it OG (homeboy) and not change anything. I figured they were that way for a reason. And yeah, I’m glad I did that today. The names Cloud, Lockheart, and Sephiroth make a lot of sense when I think about it. But alas, the good fortune only lasted for so long. Just as soon as it appeared, it was gone like a one night stand. I remember searching all over the 2-bedroom apartment for it. I was constantly asking my brother if he knew where it went; but I never got an answer. It was just . . . gone.


Needless to say, I moved on with my life and grew up. In a weird way, I kind of forgot about FFVII, but remnants of it always remained in the far corners of my mind. I always felt that I would come back to it someday, but I didn’t have the funds, the hardware, or the time to do so. But that all changed four years ago when I finally bought myself a PS3. Man, was that an awesome investment. Demon’s Souls was great, but I decided to surf PSN to see what it was all about.

And then I saw it . . . for $10. It was the first PSN purchase I ever made.

Like a long lost lover, we got intimate fast. My nostalgia sensors were off the charts! The wonky d-pad controls, the blocky polygonal models, and the music all took me back. And who could forget Barrett and his $#@!&%* swearing! It was just awesome! But more importantly, I finally began to understand the story, its theme, and why the characters were named the way they are. If only we could save the Earth like they did for the Planet . . .

So there I was, sitting in my apartment on Saturday, March 2nd, 2013. I should’ve been working on my news article for The Houstonian, but Safer Sephiroth was just asking for it. One Quadra+Knights of The Round summon and several minutes later (yeah I did it like that, sue me) he slowly disintegrates into oblivion. Oh and don’t worry folks, I witnessed the awesomeness of Supernova before Arthur cleaved him in half. And so Sephiroth was destroyed! Right?

Then I heard that bell . . . and my heart dropped.

I saw a super tan (seriously, that dark?!) man with long silver hair and cold, jade-green eyes. No shirt, no armor, no wings, and no funny business: just a man and his blade. He made it clear that he will never be just a memory. He looked dead serious . . .

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